|
|
Friday, September 9th, 2005
|
|
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
|
|
|
yes, ladies, summer will be here soon.
are you looking for something small and conventional to carry all the small things you actually need? tired of losing your cell phone in your huge purse? or what about sitting down on it uncomfortably, while it's in your back pocket?
i've got the answer. http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZjustbreatherosalyn
:)
|
|
|
first, i have a few things up on ebay. lovely items. so, check them out here.
and. this is coming up on monday. you should all come out.
|
|
|
COME TO THIS!
-shoes made this flyer.
|
|
Monday, February 14th, 2005
|
|
|
COME TO THIS. SEE NEW BANDS
NO DRUGS. NO ALCOHOL. NO NONSENSE. NO EXCEPTIONS.
|
|
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
|
|
|
COME TO THIS.
credit to dave.
NO DRUGS. NO ALCOHOL. NO NONSENSE. NO EXCEPTIONS.
credit to shoes.
|
|
Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
|
|
|
dear anonymous comment poster,
in addition to what i replied to, i would also like to add that all of the things you said there, are the things that have gone through my mind, repeatedly, these past few weeks. i don't have answers to them, so i can't automatically be sure. especially when i was so sure of my trust toward him. but only to have that trust laugh at me and call me a fool. how can i just think right away that he felt sorry? i don't talk bad about him in here, nor in my private entries. if i called him an asshole, i'd feel really bad about it, so i don't. i just kinda hide him away in my mind, where everything is safe. kinda like how joel would hide clementine in memories she was never a part of, just to keep her safe and to keep her from fading away. i'm referring to the movie 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' maybe you've seen it. it's a movie everyone should see 'cause it leaves a mark...or a scar.
anyway, i don't know exactly who you are, although something you wrote gives me a clue. actually, there are a few things that give me a clue.
so, with that, goodnight moon.
|
|
Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
|
| Time: | 3:07 am. |
| Mood: | ok. | | Music: | as tall as lions - break blossom. |
|
can't find anything on tv. the movie secondhand lions was on, but i didn't really watch it, so now i'm just gonna watch swimming pool. i've watched this movie quite a few times. i always find awesome movies on ifc.
i slept and lounged around the entire day. it was insane. it's been forever since i've done that. i'm always up and ready for something. then again, i haven't been feeling all that well lately. except for this morning when i officially woke up. i said to myself, wow, i feel really good. i wonder why? then i just kinda laughed at myself. i barely ate anything today. around 10 mike, sara and i watched a movie i bought the other day. um, ju-on, the japanese version of the grudge. it was good. it snowed a good bit of the day. and i imagine the roads are kinda messy. i hope my fishes are ok outside. they are beautiful. i'll take pictures of the snow tomorrow and check on them.
i work at 3:30 tomorrow, which is really today. i need to get my days straight.
i haven't posted pictures in a while, so i'm gonna do that.
i should've taken some more pictures last night. but eh, i was too comfortable in the position i was in. and i wasn't moving. i did manage to take 2, but they're no good.
( sunsets in december )
|
|
Thursday, December 9th, 2004
|
|
|
yesterday was quiet, stressful, depressing yet eventful. tuesday wasn't such a good day, well, it started out good, but ended up bad just because of one name that came up.
i wish i felt as good as i did like 2 months ago. where everything was so free and sweet. when the only thing that mattered was making it to work on time. and the few things i looked forward to everyday.. a hello, a hug, a kiss, a goodbye and a goodnight..
it's not like i had a boy waiting for me on the side when i was through with the last. like you had a girl.
i'm sorry. this is still so hard for me. i let my guard down too soon. but it felt so right.
the worlds getting sick, full of cokeheads and heroin addicts. not that it's never been before..maybe it just seems more visible now.
the way i see it, there is no time to mess around. be thankful for what you have. take notice of what you have and how that will effect you in later years and how it will effect what you have right now. don't mess other things up now just because everything else seems like it's caving in.
children are precious. and they need so much love and care. the world today is a tough place and it's hard to raise them in it. teach them well, they watch every step you take. they mimic every single thing you do.
now, yesterday. i worked at 215. there have been some problems with one of the girls i work with, she's quite arrogant. and she's been starting things with me. things that i haven't done to try and get me in trouble. i'm as nice as possible. but you can only be nice for so long. today was the last straw. i just let her have it. and she said a bunch of not so nice things to me. including a threat. the manager and 2 other people from work had to come in. me and the other girl were sent home early.
so, i came home and ate some food, drank some chocolate milk then fell asleep on the couch.
work today = day 4 of 5 in a row. then i get the weekend off.
|
|
Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
|
|
|
i honestly can't stand this feeling anymore. it comes around when i'm feeling good. just pops up out of nowhere. this is where all of my trust has gotten me. my body shakes and i start to cry.
i don't know if you've ever given someone every bit of your trust only to have it shoved right back in your face. what the fucks wrong with you?
i want this feeling to go away. i can't even express it in words. or any other way.
"i’d give myself a hand if i were you
the right words are never ones i say
songs like these
they carry little weight now
'cause they’re about honesty
they’re about sincerity
and i gave you neither
and i took everything
for me
and i have broken your heart
for the first and only time
one day i’ll feel this way too
on the receiving end
of heavy handed logic
and i’m not real anymore
i’m like a story
passed down by kids at campfire parties
not getting out of bed today
i'll just lay here uninspired
feeling bad that i threw you away
i’m a shadow that whispers
stupid songs about his heart
i’m sorry for letting you down
i’m sorry for everything about me that hurts you
i think about what you said on the phone
if i die alone it’s my own fault
i’m a shadow that whispers
stupid songs about his heart
i’m sorry
i’d give myself a hand.
kevin devine - confessional at 6pm.
this is what i want to hear from you.
|
|
Saturday, December 4th, 2004
|
|
|
|
i have a tendency to push everyone away unintentionally. i wish i could just sigh and let it all out. i wish i knew so many things. and why i have to miss you. i wish i didn't write about you all the time, thinking you'll read and reply back. it just doesn't happen like that. you broke me apart. i don't care how long it lasted. it's how i felt. and what i loved and liked. but like a dream, it ended so abruptly. i'm just so ..it's like i need so many answers to repetitive questions that were never answered right in the first place. thanks.
|
|
Friday, December 3rd, 2004
|
|
|
i was going to do a hundred things today, but didn't. instead i procrastinated big time. that's nothing new though.
i'm supposed to be working on designs for purses, writing, cleaning, a t-shirt design, organizing my pictures and music on the computer and then getting them burned onto some disks and deleting them. i have so much crap on here.
um, so, i woke up at 2pm. haha. i didn't go to bed til 6am..then i was woken by a phone call around 7. cool. no work today. it was an ok day. more like numb or dead. i didn't really have any feeling. i had a really bad dream though, nightmare actually. i always have nightmares dealing with the same subject. apocalypse. it started out where i was in my room, as usual, i heard a helicopter. it sounded as if it was getting lower to the ground but dying out. then i hear a sound on my roof like a stream of water or liquid. first thing that came to my mind was the fuel from the helicopter. i went downstairs and walked outside while my mum followed me. i stepped onto the last step and looked up. the sky was a swirly gray, foggy and misty. all of a sudden, a ball of fire shoots out of the sky and onto the ground before me. it looked as if the sky had spit it out. the clouds shifted. i looked back at my mum. went inside while more fireballs were falling from the sky. i knew what was happening, there was no explanation. as i walked inside, i thought about how this was the end and that i was going to die. i thought about all of the things i hadn't done yet and the things i had done and how that would effect me. where was i going to go in the end? the thought scared me. it continues to scare me.
ok. now that's going to depress me for the rest of the evening. or morning. it's 2:27am.
i fell asleep to vh1 mega hits. that jet song, look what you've done, was on. maybe that played a part in the dream.
everything was ok when you were near.
i work later. 8am to 4pm. i wasn't supposed to but i get some more hours, so that's cool. that also means i better get some sleep.
so, i bought a case of cherry coke. i drink it in a bottle all the time and i can taste the difference. it tastes better in a can. i also bought some fruit on the bottom yogurt. also hilltop dairy chocolate milk.
did you know that i felt so completely alive with you? as alive as a bird flying freely through the sky. floating on the breeze. showing no emotion. i was just that comfortable with you. no dead china doll.
damn it.
one thing i don't procrastinate about is you. you're the re-occurring kind, you never really leave my mind.
ps. this is going friends only soon. or at least most entries will be friends only.
|
|
Sunday, November 28th, 2004
|
|
|
when i woke up today, i felt like crap. sleep was not kind. i felt numb enough not to cry, so that's cool.
i need a hug so bad.
|
|
Saturday, November 27th, 2004
|
|
|
since i don't sleep til it's the next day, here's an update for yesterday, which was the 26th of november.
i can't believe how fast the months have went by, like i was in a coma of some sort. i remember everything but like it all happened in one day. i remember every single thing that has happened over the past few months so clearly. i even remember everything that was ever said to me, in almost the exact way it was said to me. sorry, i used too many of the same words.
i went to sleep after 6am. as usual. well, actually, i usually go to sleep no later than 4am. sometimes i feel like tyler durden. this totally reminds me of someone. 'it's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.' i guess that's the way it goes. unless you push it away. that doesn't count. so, i go to sleep. but it's not sleep, it's more like a comatose state. it's like i don't dream, don't ever say you don't dream while sleeping. you dream everytime you sleep. you just don't remember what you've dreamt. anyway, i woke up at like 9:30am and changed my away message...or something. don't ask why. then at 2pm, but layed there til 3. i sat up in my bed and stared straight out into nothing. everyone who walked into my room asked me what i was doing. then my brother decided that it would be cool to be a jackass and argue with me. so i started crying. no one knows what i'm going through. i don't know if i'm ashamed, scared or even ...i don't know.. i just can't tell anyone, in my house, what's wrong. so, i got up and got dressed. left and did some shopping that hardly turned into shopping. christmas shopping was forgotten. since time goes so fast, there was no time and i forgot what i was getting anyone. i went to circuit city and bought the united states of leland and damien rices, o - listen to it. it's beautiful and it reminds me of stuff. i got mcdonalds, peanut butter filled pretzels and christmas cards at walmart then left. everyday has become a waste. i want to thank my friends for being there when i've needed them the most. after coming home, i ate some food then i sat at the computer. waited for joose to get ready, then we finally left around 10. the plan: meet at walmart, go to eat'n park then bowling. how'd this work out? well, at walmart i bought some drugs. they didn't have exactly what i wanted but whatever i needed them to make my headache go away. i've had the same headache for a few days now. thankyougoawaynowplease. in the checkout, john stepp was spotted. i quickly yelled his name, he came over and i talked to him. thanks man. eat'n park made me crazy. i had some cherry coke and a iced mocha latte, i just now realized that's not even what i wanted. what i wanted was the mocha java milkshake. oh well, it was free. awesome. i had a coupon! this kid was staring at my ass. so i hid. mike joined us. joose thought he was funny. he is, but when jason comes along, it's double the fun. haha. so, i was extremely emotional, i kept changing moods. this is so insane. my body can't handle it. there are time i feel like puking crying, being alone, staring, thinking about nothing but one thing, every single little thing about you. i honestly believe this has something to do with my father. anyway, my legs felt numb i couldn't walk well. i was afraid. i saw what's his face from andy's pizza. i'll see him tomorrow and tell him i saw him. he smokes blunts. after that we went bowling and mike went home. on our way there, joose wouldn't let me listen to this one lovedrug song. i don't know what it's called but the lyrics are sad. she played it for like 30 seconds and i started to cry. it was packed at the the bowling alley, so we (sara, joose and i) had to share a lane with these 3 guys that stayed far away from us. i didn't do all that well. i kept spacing out. sara and i stood the entire time, while those guys sat in the seats. so, the night went quickly. and we left around 2:30. i wasn't ready to go home. i wish there was a show in johnstown soon. not in indiana, not in punxy. here. you know what, actually i wish i learned to drive way back when i was 16. then i would have a car and i would be somewhat independent. i wasn't allowed to grow up. or think for myself or even speak my mind. it's still that way. i want to grow up so fast right now, like i could go get married and be happy or something. haha. i dunno. i want to feel secure. i want to be in love. i want this numb feeling to go away. i want to win the powerball. whatever.
we went home and she let me listen to the song. i didn't cry. i sat there and watched the traffic lights. i feel like i'm forgetting something...
i work tomorrow. and sunday.
i said i wanted to be in love. but i honestly can't stand the thought of someone else touching me or kissing me. yeah, being in love comes with those thing, i believe. at least, that's what i believe. not empty kisses or whateverthefuckelse.
um. it's 6am. moons at my window again. goodnight, moon.
|
|
Friday, November 26th, 2004
|
|
|
i wish you could have told me everything. instead you just lied. you made me think that you needed some serious space, time to think, direction only you could figure out on your own. and i, being as understanding as i am, couldn't handle it? so, now, what am i left with? i'm left with myself feeling guilty, believing that i've done something wrong, failure, not being able to sleep, eat or talk to anyone without bursting into tears. sorry that i had strings holding me back. you know what i wanted to give you. i was willing to give it all away. i did give some away. but, that's not even what you wanted. i'm left here with the impression that you went away without feeling sad, sorry or even wondering how i would feel. every night, i'd lay in bed questioning weather you missed me or not.
you made me feel like no one else has ever made me feel. so good. but better, so much better. there just isn't a word to describe it. and the words you used, such powerful words to make me believe that you truly felt the same way i felt.
you jumped right into something else. no guilt? i trusted you with my whole heart. and cared about you immensely. i still care.
right now, i'm shaking really bad and as i write this, the moon is shining through my window.
ps. the stars weren't what i really wanted. just the moon. and that was you. goodnight, moon.
|
|
Monday, November 15th, 2004
|
|
|
your voice is like the wind
blowing through trees full of leaves
in the midst of spring
that soothing sound
assuring you that something is there
someone is there
it's calm
never harsh
and like a red balloon
my heart fills quickly
then lets go
but it doesn't let go
it has expanded
yes, you've left a mark
it has grown
now, sleep is near
before i close my eyes
you are the last sound that i want to hear.
i'm working on the punctuation. everytime i put something in, it looks wrong. sorry. it's not really titled yet, either.
|
|
Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
|
|
|
i'm not happy anymore. there's not one shred of happiness inside of me. i cry too much. i can't stand being in this house anymore. i'm 21 years old. i want to live. i've wasted so many years. i don't have anyone to turn to. i'm sorry.
i'm so scared.
|
|
Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
|
|
|
Lovers turn into monsters at the loss of all affection
Almost like it was the affection that kept them from being monsters
And I could have used some warning
I was on that porch all morning
Smoking cigarettes and sinking deeper into doubt
Could it be I am mistaken, have I stolen somebody’s baby?
Is it possible for two people to need the same thing?
It's just the lines, they get so blurry
Between what is once, and now required
And I don't know on which side his heart falls
But I know where mine is buried
And it's so far from any wanting
Yeah, it needs this to keep beating
It won't go on without it
If I'm still weighed down with subtleties
Then I'll just come right out and say
That I think that I deserve her
More than anyone deserves anything
Maybe I am selfish, but there is no way to share this
There’s not enough to go around, I don’t care who else gets hurt
But I’m still sick with empathy because I was stood in his place
I spent a year quietly dying while you let go and ignored her
And I’m sure that there are reasons for everything that happens
And absence leads to adoration, yeah it’s nobody’s fault
But now there is no way to change this
So I just photographed and framed it
And it’s hanging in a hallway
That we have no right to walk back down
But I hope that he feels better but I’m sick of all the drama
I can’t stand to see her crying, I just want this shit to end
And I want a place to hang out where a record player’s playing
And there’s a thousand movies rented for a thousand nights with her.
bright eyes
i just stumbled upon these lyrics by bright eyes and liked them a good deal, so i'm sharing them.
|
|
Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
|
|
|
a real update. hmm. ok.
so, basically i've been watching the election since 9 or so. i told myself i wasn't gonna watch, but eh. me and sara ended up arguing with the rest of the family cause we're for kerry and they're for bush. they brought up some seriously ridiculous things to argue about. i don't know why i bother, i'm not that political at all, i just hate bush.
i worked really early yesterday. 6am. i got 2 hours of sleep. it's only for the best though. i'm so much more awake and energetic when i hardly sleep. i think it was freud that said he only slept for a few hours a night. and that the power nap..which is like 20 minutes or so is a good thing. i can't remember, but during my senior year of high school i did a research paper on the interpretation of dreams. it was awesome. i learned alot from that. then taking psychology that year really inspired me to go out and actually recognize things about myself that, otherwise, i wouln't pay attention to. also, to notice things in others. i think that happened to me 'cause that's probably why i worry so much. i've become so familiar with myself and my needs. when something changes, i know it. even the slightest thing. like right now, i'm feeling lost. it honestly feels like part of me is paused. everything from a certain point replays itself up to now. now, not really being now, but like this one night when a decision was made. i just have alot of questions on my mind and they're just accumulating. sort of.
after work, i came home and got a shower, then intended to take a walk. i didn't for reasons only my troubled head would understand. a little later i took a nap. that lasted for about an hour or so. it was pretty good...surprisingly. i haven't been able to sleep well at all for the past couple weeks. it's definitely not cool.
work was fun. seriously. i laughed like 75% of the time. i saw justin. that was definitely the highlight of the day.
there's only one thing that can make my day anymore. it doesn't happen often, but when it does, i'm so thankful for it. i hope that's ok and i hope i'm not pushing this because i'm trying really hard not to fall on my face.
now, to end this long entry i just want to point out this awesome band, the rocket summer, that really isn't a band..it's a guy, just one like jonah matranga. this guy, bryce avary, plays all the instruments and sings. he's been doing it since he was 16. he is now 20. go here to hear some music and here to read what he's singing. i know a bunch of you have heard of the rocket summer, but i'm pointing it out just incase some haven't or have just looked over it. don't look over it. it's really beautiful.
|
|
Monday, November 1st, 2004
|
|
|
what you feel is what you are
and what you are is beautiful.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
belowxthexstars's journal
chipper.
eh ok....
....
crushed.